Amnesia

Ebullition #29.

"When this came out I was going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. I was getting closer to thirty, and while that isn't all that old in the real world it does feel pretty ancient in the U.S. hardcore scene. The fold out cover consists of writings about identity, amnesia, memory and self-realization. Much of the writing is bleak, and while I managed to pass into my thirties without losing my grasp on reality I do consider some of these writings to be the best I ever wrote. Life can be pretty ugly at times, and understanding our purpose can be very difficult in a world where identity is bought and sold in an advertising war for our dollars and souls. Our own community more often than not promotes a godless anti-spiritual concept of existence that can leave the insides cold and dead. Learning to live with the question can be a life long journey. The years in which I wrote this material were some of the hardest I ever dealt with. What am I about?

We can exist in ambiguity, but it means the deepest loneliness.

8/11/01: Once more I am drawn by these words. I am in that place again. Looking up at that fucking two by four wondering why not? What keeps the flame flickering? Right now it is mere fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what can never be changed. The permanence of suicide keeps me at bay. Maybe this depression will fade. Perhaps tomorrow I will breathe without pain. I am alone and I am terrified. I don't know what I am, and I don't how to save myself. I am drowning in ambiguity.

8/12/01: I have a secret. A secret to tell. It has power. It may even cause destruction. I am afraid of my secret. Afraid of what it means. Afraid of what it contains. There is weight to my secret, and with each passing week it becomes more volatile and difficult to contain. Secrets yearn to be told. I think about it every day and I wake in the night with remnants of secret dreams lingering in the cool air. And so I am distraught when the apparition taunts me once again. Floating so near. I can feel the presence and yet I am denied touch. My fingers ache to caress, but I resist the siren's call fearing that it is merely fool's folly. We are intertwined and yet we are distant. I have relied on my senses in the past. I have divined the burning attraction and the hidden passion. But now I am unsure. The stakes are high, higher than ever before, and perhaps catastrophic. I doubt myself. My senses may have gone dull, or maybe they have been clouded by some sliver of insanity that has wedged itself deep within my spinal cord. And so I wait patiently; not so patiently, but I mask my impatience well. My secret remains with me, brewing and percolating beneath the fabric of my existence.

8/31/01: Somebody wants to be with you.

9/1/01: It comes like a wave. Pulsating through my mind. My mood goes dark so quickly. But what choice do I have. I have no play. I am cornered and I can only wait and watch. I still retain my secret, or should I say, it retains me.

10/31/01: I lost my secret. Just forgot all about it. Washed everything away with distraction. But the distraction cracked tonight, came apart at the seems and unraveled. Back to square one. Looking myself in the mirror and wondering who I am and what I am doing. Can't continue on this endless path, but not sure how to chart a new course. My map has faded and I don't recognize the landmarks. The scars are bittersweet. Lost in a crowded room, I am torn apart by my cruel intentions, my cruel inventions, my cruel retentions. Not sure where to go, just sure that I have yet to arrive. Perhaps I will never arrive. I may have missed my destination. Maybe lost. Maybe never had a destination at all. The folly is mine. I have to embrace it. Devour it. Take steps to dismantle my life. Tonight I resolve to rebuild my search. The secret is a tease. Something I can't have. The quick path to destruction is to unleash the secret. To accept and to strive for the embrace. But it is a gamble, with almost no chance of success. A fool's fool would I be indeed if I simply rolled the die and let the pieces of my life fall where they may. No, I must find another way. I must take a longer path. Calculate and conspire, set a time line and a routine, but also a dead line. Ten moon cycles. Make the hard choice. Yes, in ten moon cycles I make the hard choice. I must resolve myself to tone my will, to prepare for impact, to focus mind and body for the challenge of self destruction. Tear myself apart and rebuild; the gear begins to turn.

7/5/02: Epiphany. Day of infamy. I lost my heart.

7/13/02: I am an idiot. A fool. I made a mistake. It splits me apart. I am walking dead. A frail shard of what I should have been. The depression comes and goes, but even at my lightest I still feel the regret. At times I am incapacitated with grief. I was wrong. Oh, god, I was so fucking wrong."

All together this is a fucking great compilation and downloadable if only for the Ordination Of Aaron song, which I believe is one of their best songs released.

Amnesia (1997)
1. Three Studies For A Crucifixion – Indescribable Velocity
2. Silence Equals – Prolefeed
3 In/Humanity – Beaten Words
4. Scout – I Don't Want Seconds
5. Stephen Hero – Train's Distance
6. Thumbnail – Div. iii
7. Car Vs. Driver – Me With
8. Failure Face – Pure Entertainment
9. Wellington – Fluent
10. Ipecac – Untitled
11. Lybernum – Librarian/Everyday/Confession/Intangible/Witness/Paper Bag/Closure
12. Ordination Of Aaron – With Haste and Flight In All Her Steps See Comes Walking Dawn This Way Again